“What do you mean my coverage has been denied?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Grey. It’s company policy. This is the third total replacement claim you have made in—what?—a year.”

“Well…”

“Precisely. The company can’t keep covering these losses.”

“But I need the replacement. It is vital for my work.”

“That may be, but that is your problem, not ours. I do not care what business or hobbies you pursue. Those things do not really matter to me. My only concern is protecting the interests of our company.”

“Do not take me for some conjuror of cheap tricks. I am not trying to rob you.”

“Of course not, Mr. Grey, but you must admit that these losses are at the least unusual. Wizards’ staffs are supposed to be the most powerful weapon in Middle Earth, and you have managed to destroy three of them. What are you doing with them anyway that you have destroyed so many?”

“Well, there were encounters with ring wraiths and orcs and other wizards…” Gandalf explained.

“But that is precisely my point. You habitually travel in high-risk zones, and that is why the company can no longer insure you against these losses. Wizards’ staffs are not cheap, you know. They don’t grow on trees.”

“But they are made of wood. They do grow on trees.”

“Technically, yes, but there is all that expensive additional remanufacturing work on them, the application of magic spells and so on. Maybe in future you should consider getting one made of cast iron or stainless steel.”

“But that would ruin the image…”

“I am not interested in your image, Mr. Grey, only in following our company’s policies.”

“Why do you keep calling me Mr. Grey? I am Gandalf the Grey, a renowned wizard, not a man named Gandalf Grey.”

“Gandalf Grey is what is on the policy, but it doesn’t really matter. Your coverage has still been denied. This destruction of insured property has become a nasty hobbit, and it can’t be allowed to continue.”