We’ve all been there with bosses, friends, family. Caught between the rock and the hard place. It’s uncomfortable, it’s maddening, and at times it’s heartbreaking.
We try to avoid those situations. We keep our opinions and thoughts to ourselves, avoid specific topics we know others have issues with, and sometimes we’re successful. Normally, between adults, we can agree to disagree. That, in my humble opinion, is how it should be. But the fact is, not everyone got that memo.
Listen, people aren’t clones. They have different opinions and ideas. They have different motivations and reasons for doing what they do. And, if those parties are family or real friends, they respect what they don’t know as well as what they do. They respect the person.
What do I mean by that? I mean we give our family and real friends the benefit of doubt that their motivations are pure and their reasons might well be something they cannot or choose not to share. Honestly, we do that for people we like. And the more we like them, the more benefit of doubt we grant them. Certainly nothing wrong with that. The more we know the person, the more we know and understand what is motivating their thoughts and actions.
In this type of situation, an issue arises is when what should be mutual respect is not mutual, and reciprocity is absent. A family member or real friend ignores your choices, your reasons for doing what you’re doing, and insists you react in a specific way to a specific topic or be forcefully alienated. In other words, they demand you think or act they way they want you to, or they belittle or give you grief for having a different reaction.
In that position, you have a couple of choices:
* You can do what the other person insists you do, forfeiting your choice and your reasons.
* You can attempt to discuss the situation with your family member or real friend, provided the gauntlet hasn’t already been tossed down and that opportunity removed from the table before you knew an issue existed.
* You can respectfully remove yourself from the situation, preferably without confrontation or a major blowout.
* You can engage in a confrontation or major blowout. (Rarely is this a constructive solution. Actually, I can’t think of a time when in personal relationships it has proven to be a constructive solution. Often it leads to permanent alienation.)
None of the above are optimum choices and none have positive outcomes. But in real life we are placed in these situations and they are absent positive outcomes, so we seek the outcome that is the least painful for all involved. We can’t control another’s actions, but we can control our own. So we seek the highest good for all. We seek a solution which inflicts the less amount of destruction and exhibits the greatest amount of respect—for ourselves and for others. Sometimes, that’s about the best we can do.
Losing a family member or real friend to disagreement is never easy. Nor should it be easy or painless to lose the connection to someone you’ve taken into your heart. The wound runs deep and it can cause bitterness, but only if you let it.
That is also a choice you make. Mostly you’ll wonder why you gave respect but were not respected. That’s a normal reaction, and an inevitable one. But once the shock wears off, it is not one to embrace.
As stated earlier, we cannot control the actions of others, only our own. And it is upon our own actions and reactions we should focus. Acknowledge the worse, but concentrate on the best. Continue to wish well. Continue to pray for insight and wisdom, for blessings for that person.
This might sound hard to do. That’s because it is. But, with time, it becomes easier, and a day does come when you know you’ve chosen the right path. Anger and upset is a heavy burden to carry. When you forgive—even those who never ask for forgiveness—you release that anger and upset.
It isn’t that you ignore it. It isn’t that you choose to let someone else walk all over you. It is that you respect your differences and refuse to fall to anger and upset over something you cannot control. When you forgive, you let go. You don’t carry that anger or upset anymore. You’ve accepted the reality of the situation. And while it might not be as you wished it, it is what it is, and you’ve accepted it and are free to move on with life.
For people of faith, who tend to put challenges on the altar early on, it is comforting to know that God’s got this. He will open eyes, change hearts, or deal with the situation bearing in mind the greatest good for all involved. That is a huge comfort. A huge blessing. When we have done what we can do, we trust God will do the rest—and He will do that best loving all who are involved.
It’s impossible to avoid being caught between the rock and hard place. And that, while unfortunate, is simply a fact of life when interacting with other people. As I told a dear friend not too long ago, “If you interact with others, expect conflict. It’s healthy, it’s normal, it’s inevitable. If you can’t deal with it constructively, become a recluse and get a dog.”
At the time, I thought that was about the best advice I knew to give. I still believe it now.*
Blessings,
Vicki
By April 1861, several southern students had resigned their commissions and gone home. “Their lives about to be forever altered by forces beyond their control, the midshipmen of the North and South bid each other farewell…the great events unfolding around them transformed the midshipmen into men, but this did not hold back the tears. Though soon to be their enemies in war, the seceders were treated as ‘erring brethren,’ not traitors, and the closing days of the antebellum Naval Academy saw many poignant scenes” (Todorich 195). ( At left is a line of antebellum midshipmen on the academy parade ground.)
This brings me to the research part of my project. I started looking for books that would give me a true history of the Naval Academy. Among the many resources I found on Amazon.com, a golden jewel of information rose above all the rest: The Spirited Years: A History of the Antebellum Naval Academy, by Charles Todorich (Naval Institute Press, 1984). When I got my hands on this book, I knew heaven had opened and manna had come down. This is the definitive book on the antebellum U. S. Naval Academy, just what every author dreams of owning. It contains details of what and whom my hero would encounter, even obscure and complex details needed to reveal the daily lives and personalities of the midshipmen at the academy.
The value of historical fiction is that it helps to make the past personal and relevant. Charles’s book has the best of both because he personalizes the midshipmen through real stories. I believe that the best fiction includes the personal human dramas of history. Since he had done all the research, all I had to do was wander through the orchard and pluck the ripe fruit from the trees. In addition, and actually most important, he gave me insights into the kind of men who stayed the course through the rigorous academy training when others were dropping out. (At left is the original print book cover.)
Timothy Jacobs, a handsome midshipman at the U. S. Naval Academy, is determined not to sail the disastrous course that destroyed his infamous father, Captain Ahab. Certain of his own goodness compared to the man he both hates and admires, Timothy feels his good works are salvation enough. But after he is wounded during a Civil War sea battle, his all-consuming rage at God launches him on a bitter journey all too reminiscent of the father he vowed not to be like. (At right is the Monongahela, the ship Timothy served on during the Civil War.) Will Timothy learn the lessons his father ignored? Will childhood sweetheart Jemima show him the account of his father’s ill-fated voyage in time? Can Timothy accept that both he and his father have misunderstood the merciful, loving nature of God? Don’t miss this stunning conclusion to the Ahab’s Legacy Series, which began with Ahab’s Bride. “Louise M. Gouge has once again combined history, romance, and adventure to create a story as grand in sweep as the distance from the bottom of the sea to heaven on high.” Charles M. Todorich, Author the The Spirited Years: A History of the Antebellum Naval Academy
Today is the first day of May, a month in which there are two major holiday. Mother’s Day on May 13th and Memorial Day on May 28th. It’s also a month were many of the states begin to thaw out from the long winter’s chill.
