Recently, I received a bevy of emails on a new topic. Since my email address is on my website, I receive quite a few unsolicited emails. Apparently my address is harvested by robots and sold to marketing companies, many of them conducting business of a dubious nature.

This latest batch of emails had an interesting theme:  

• “The Best Dissertation Service in The UK: Buy Essay Online At Writing Service from Australia.”

• “Buy an Essay Online for Cheap 24/7: Number B Custom Dissertation Writing Service.”

• “Buy Essays Online in Canada: Buy Essay and Get Time for Pleasures of Life.”

• “Buy Essay: 100% Original. Low Price. In 3 Hours. Safe & Legit: #1 Essay Writing Service UK Students Trust. 100% Secure.”

• “Cheap Dissertation Writing Services NO.1 Dissertation Help CA: Custom Dissertation Writing Services — Professional Help for Students.”

I might have been a little more interested if the emails had demonstrated an ability to write better English. If I am going to pay for an essay, I want to get at least a B. I can get a D minus on my own.

At least, these emails were a welcome change from the usual offers of bitcoin investment opportunities and proffers of porn and hot dates. There are apparently hundreds of beautiful women in my area who are anxious to meet me. I am sure this is true even though some of the emails are written in French, German, and Russian. And even though the beautiful women I have encountered in town have not seemed all that anxious to meet me.

I also suspect that the people who are inviting me to view porn are in cahoots with the other email writers who are threatening to reveal that I have been visiting porn sites unless I send them money.

There is also the email that wanted me to pay $970 (not $965 or $975 — I am not sure how they determined this valuation) to tell me who my wife was having an affair with. I asked my wife about it. She offered to give me the same information for $500. I declined on the assumption it would be a waste of money. It is as likely that my wife is having affair as that hundreds of beautiful women are anxious to meet me. This is not because I am such a wonderful husband that cheating on me is unthinkable but because she is a wonderful woman whose faithfulness and integrity are beyond question.

I also received an email with the instruction: “PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO SOMEONE IN YOUR COMPANY WHO IS ALLOWED TO MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS!” I guess that would be my wife. The email went on to say that the senders had hacked my website and gained access to all of my clients’ information. They are threatening to release the information and “completely destroy your reputation amongst google and your customers.” However, being considerate and reasonable people, they will cease their attack if I send them $2,000 in bitcoin. I am flattered that they think my website actually has customers. (It doesn’t, which they would have discovered if they had actually hacked my website.) But I’m insulted that they think my customer base is only worth $2,000. And I’m flattered that they think I have $2,000. After all, I’m a writer. The email concludes, “There’s no counter measure to this, this is not a hoax, do not reply to this email, don’t try to reason or negotiate, we will not read any replies. Once you have paid we will stop what we were doing and you will never hear from us again!” It worked. I didn’t pay, and I never heard from them again.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t hear from anyone else. Another email informed me that, like other Americans, I could now qualify for an emergency government loan of up to $5,000 to help me pay my expenses during the COVID-19 pandemic crisis. All I would have to do is send in my banking information. I don’t think so. I don’t want the American government to have my banking information. After all, I’m Canadian. I don’t even think I want the Canadian government to have my banking information.

And I continue to receive the occasional email from a corrupt bank official/civil servant/army officer in Afghanistan/Nigeria/Ethiopia stating that he/she has come across an unclaimed bank account worth several million dollars. All I have to do is pretend to be the rightful owner of the account, and the sender will split the proceeds with me—which he expects I will use to support my Christian ministry, of course. To receive the money, I just have to send him my banking information. Though probably safer than the previous offer, I am not sure I want a corrupt bank official/civil servant/army officer in Afghanistan/Nigeria/Ethiopia to have my banking information either.   

Then, for a change of pace, I received the following email: “These are indeed the end times, but most are in the Falling Away. The real body of Christ is outside of the Church. We know what’s going to happen, and we will send you prophecy which you can discern. To receive it, take a chance, text, email, or postal contact info to…” I decided to take a chance and not text, email, or postal contact them. I’m not sure I want to know what is going to happen.

A report came out recently decrying the “wasteful” emails that people send, such as those simply saying, “Thank you.” Apparently, these emails not only waste time but they also use computing power, which consumes electricity and thus is enlarging our carbon footprint and contributing to global warming.

I don’t think it is ever a waste to be courteous and say thank you.

However, if the people who conducted the survey can do something to stop the flood of spam into my inbox, I would be grateful.