It wasn’t too long ago I was in the middle of our local township park surrounded by spring flowers, beautiful trees, and small wildlife. Instead of inhaling the fresh air, I wiped a tear off my cheek and headed home.

I used to love nature walks. They brought me peace and were often the place and time God spoke to me. Gave me direction. Encouragement. Conviction.

That recent walk was the latest in a series of misfires where I brought our reactive (barking/high energy) rescue mixed beagle, Milo, and my anxiety escalated with each step.

Here’s what my mind would have on a loop:

Would we have the field to walk in? That was the best option because no one else walked in, giving Milo space to walk without interruption. However, we’ve had a lot of rain so I was usually re-directed to a trail.

Is anyone else on this trail? I tried different times to avoid others. Once Milo barks, he will not stop. I’ve tried it all. It is a physical feat to calm him down, draining me. He’s on the chubby side. I take him because he needs the exercise and most walks, he does well. I feel like a failure when we encounter other people and dogs.

Milo also provides help for me, as I have also found with any walking I do apart from home or church, I am watching my every step for fear of falling. Milo’s leash and his energy give me a grip to hold when he takes on a hill.

Mentally, when I’m fighting the fear I’m going to stumble on a rock (happened), my knee will dislocate (happens easily with me), and I need to leave to assure it won’t happen (that was my last walk), I have to stay for his sake. That last time, I didn’t make the full trail. We’d come across another reactive dog and Milo would not stop barking. I had different shoes on and I tensed with every step.

I used to power walk everywhere.

How did I get to the place of being afraid to take even a step?

Better yet, when can I leave this place of heightened anxiety?

I actually know when it started. It was 2021 and the grief from 2020 and losing my mom left me physically ill because I stuffed all the emotions, something I’m learning I’d been doing most of my life. I went on vacation with my husband and daughter, as well as my sister and nephew. I was convinced I had to make sure they had the best time, and, at our very first pit stop, my ankle slid a little on a slippery WalMart floor. It was all it took for my mind to sound alarms and go on high alert for a knee dislocation.

More than that, all the grief and high expectations layered that panic, and I held up the entire vacation. I could not walk. Everything tensed up. Toes, Ankles. Calves. Thighs. Knees. Back. Arms. It was not a vacation for anyone. I was so obsessed with making sure they would have a great time I created a memory none of us want.

I went to therapy to learn coping skills, and I’m grateful for that. However, the fear came creeping back last year. Milo was a young dog, new to us, and untrained. Additionally I wear progressive glasses that must be perfectly aligned or my vision is all off. It’s only recently I put the two together and realized little by little I let that fear take ownership once again.

So how am I dealing with it?

Sadly, I haven’t been to the park. I’ve instead done stair work and play with him at home while I work on my own exercise program. I’ve added balance to my routine to help me when I’m walking.

I bought better shoes. They are basically hiking shoes so the tread is good. They also protect my ankle. I wear them when I’m in a new terrain. When I feel protected, my confidence grows.

Speaking of protection…I make sure I pray the Armor of God from Ephesians 6. Where am I without the shoes of peace? When I walk on a pebble lot, I whisper one word per step from a verse I find encouraging. My go-to?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13, NKJV

I believe sharing with my eye doctor will help as well. But overall, I must hand over every feeling, every scenario to God who knows me best. That’s how I get out. I take every thought to Him. I want off this anxious hamster wheel. I want to enjoy His creation.

And I believe soon I will again.