Dear Hannah,

I’m a physician connected to the military. I can get called out for active duty at any time, and my employer knows about it. I made a huge mistake this year when I neglected to tell the lady I’ve been dating about my “other job.” When I did get called out for several months, she was furious with me. Now that I’m back at work she’s no longer interested in seeing me. I didn’t intentionally hide my military background from her, I simply choose not to talk about it when I’m working my civilian job. I try not to even think about it. But she told me last night that she promised herself years ago never to fall in love with a man with a dangerous job. I don’t want to lose her, but I did tell her I thought she was being shortsighted, which led to a fight. Safer isn’t always better, right? How do I keep from losing her?

Ian

Dear Ian,

I don’t think insulting her is the way to go about healing the breach between you. Has she given you any other concrete reason for her fears? I believe most women are drawn to heroes, but obviously she has a problem with your heroism. I’d want to find out why. Have you discussed this with her in depth without belittling her fear? A woman needs to be treasured and understood. Fighting her like this  will only drive her away. It seems to me that both of you have been holding back. That’s no way to build a lasting relationship. I suggest you both pull down a few walls and learn to communicate better, or you’ll both have trouble with relationships down the road.

Hannah